It’s (unfortunately) too often that I get disappointed by the people around me. This time, I don’t mean anyone in particular, but people in general. I came to think about flirting. How two people get to that point. What is it that makes us fall in love?
Now, it’s kinda late right now and the subject I aim to write about is something I could go on for hours and hours to talk (and write) about… and maybe that’s also what I am going to do. For, in fact, I have been wanting to write about this for a long time, but waiting for the right moment. And tonight, I think it’s going to happen. In some extend at least. So, I will stick to how people pick at one another in my part of the world. Or what they are expecting from each other. Or… I don’t know. Lately I have been ending up discussing this subject with several people around me, so I suppose it’s time to bring it up here as well.
Let’s begin with men. These great creatures who John Gray suggests come from Mars. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Anyone feel like they don’t know where they come from, this is the answer. Abroad!)
Men look (with their eyes) for something that is beautiful to look at. Someone that catches the eye and (hopefully) makes it stay there. Judging the book by its cover is really the case here. BIG TIME! If you ever have the occasion to go out on a weekend in Sweden (I hardly think that this is the only place in the world where this is the case, but let’s just stick to Sweden for now). All you see are people dressed up to their teeth, holding a drink or just something, so that you don’t have to worry about what to do with you hands, since they will be occupied with a glass. And don’t forget (and please make a mental note on this one) don ‘t you dare smile. If you smile, you seem like a happy fool! No, no. Better to hold a stone face. This way, you seem like an important person. When not smiling, you believe (and make others believe) that you are someone who is hard to get to. Regardless if that is the truth or not, you don’t want to smile. So, forget about a happy face. That’s for amateurs. If you want to be appealing to others, do not smile.
And then when it comes to women, that’s pretty much the same thing here. Look good, and act hard to get. The more distant you are, meaning the less available you seem, the better for you. As a woman you are expected to look good and know when to smile, and occasionally laugh. Actually, don’t laugh, it’s better to giggle. No need to have the skills to communicate, you don’t need to be able to say anything clever (Note! Better not to say anything that will make your company surprised; such as knowing what is happening on the stock market, about the new treaty between the US and China, or who will play against whom in the next World Cup series).
Once you are finally out, at the club or wherever, you will get judging eyes. As if everyone around you, when looking at you, they are scanning you. From the bottom and up, and then (maybe) down again. So, what you are waiting for is if the eye of the observer is positive (as if the eyes stay on you for more than a second or not). That is what happens. All the time you are standing there, looking around, not smiling, (only if necessary) talking to other people and scanning other people around you. If you happen to look someone in their eyes, you can expect someone raising their eyebrows in a very arrogant way, or eyes that will look away the second your eyes meet. Since, if the two of you would happen to actually look at each other, that could force someone to smile (and remember, that is something we didn’t want to happen). So, best case is that you look at people when they are not looking back at you, and vice versa. What is going on, is that people go out to get judged, graded by others if you prefer, and to judge others. To see how attractive they are, and others are (not?).
And this is also what men expect from women. Men want something nice to look at. That’s it.
Women want someone who will worship them. Someone who will tell them beautiful words so that they will feel comfortable and safe. That’s it.
Easy equation, right?
Now, this is what makes me question the whole equation.
Maybe it’s because I do not see myself reaching up to the standards here in this part of the world. Maybe I want to have someone who will appreciate my personality, my knowledge and that I actually AM able to talk about issues in the world, more than make-up and clothes. (I am so sorry for offending all of you who disagree with me, but I feel as if people around me are just too simple!) in their way of judging others.
What just happened to all the modernity in this world? Where is all the depth? Are we still locked in the conservative norms? I am not talking about gender equality, I am talking about humanity! How is it possible that we are so simple in our way of thinking (and acting) in this matter?
I was told that everything a woman needs to do is “Look good. Join a gym, and stay there for a month and you will find the love of your life”. I got furious. Is that it? IS THAT REALLY IT?
Are my looks the only thing that I will be judged by, when meeting men? For real, I cannot believe that this is what it all comes down to. That a girl needs to look good in order to find the love of her life.
At the same time, men seem to have double standards here. Because, when I talk to them (Yeah, you read right. I go against all the norms here. I (woman) talk to men! (Tada!) And hey, listen to this, I even say things that they don’t like to hear. Surprising, right?!) So, I ask them if this is what they want – A beautiful lady by their side who does not need to do anything more than to look good?
To my (not that very much) surprise, this is exactly what they want. All the personal qualities that I believed (silly me) were just as important (if not more), did not have that much of a meaning. Kindness, humility, ambition, interests, communicative, caring and so forth. A personality! No need for it. What. So. Ever.
But what surprised me, is that some men (who tried to go for the beautiful women, and believe me, there are a lot of them here) wanted to have someone who they could talk to. Someone who could do something more than just (!) look good, sit in a corner, blinking with her eyes, and giggle from time to time from the jokes he’s been saying (way too many times before). So, my questions is, what do people want from one another?
Going out on a friday night to a club is always the same. You know why you, and all the others, do it. And you know exactly what you will meet and what you will get. Makes me sceptic just thinking about it. It’s like a hunting-market. Whoever looks best and smiles the least, wins. Wins what? The “You-are-the-coolest-thing-ever-entering-this-place-without-smiling award”? I might be to old for my biological age, or I should have been born like a hundred years ago, or maybe a thousand years ago. Or maybe I was born too early? I don’t know… this world just does not suit my way of thinking or acting from time to time.
What I do know is that I don’t like that way, this way, that people act. It’s way to simple and makes me uncomfortable and ashamed of how spartan people are in some situations. We educate ourselves to get a job, to create opportunities for ourselves and to accomplish and reach or own (and others) goals. Yet, when it comes to private issues, as choosing a partner, some men (please let this not be the case for everyone. Because if it is, I will be an old lady, living with my twenty-five cats. In a huge appartement. And I don’t like cats. I even have fur allergies) go back to a very basic and (for me) empty-headed ideal, that – for me – makes no sense.