Why can I not rest with an open mind? How come my heart is full of fear? What is the reason for my never-ending torture to cause so much pain inside? The heart beats heavily inside my chest and no words can calm it down to dance to the rhythm of the ocean, as it once did when the sun was still shining, or the stars were bright lightening up the path of my journey. Where are those calming words now? Where is the sence of balance, when every moment is long gone before it even started? What happened to timeless laughs and butterflies surrounding dancing feet? Where are the times where a memory was created to stay, forever in your heart to bring you up when the nightmares came close?
I find myself fighting nightmares. Running away from darkness, yet, it always wins and brings me to fear for my life. Although a dream, so real and so harsh. I wake up crying and screaming, with dry eyes and a mute voice… Only to pretend that life is back to good. Pretending that times are colorful and loving, when in fact my heart and mind tells me something else. A fake smile to wear all day and the accoutretment is complete. Once returning to my safe haven, I break down to cry for all the pain in the world, for all the pain that is caused, and the one I bring upon myself. Where I know the nightmares will come upon me again, when the night takes the daylight away. I go to sleep knowing that another fight is awaiting me. A fight I cannot win, ever.
Another day passes by. As I see the darkness falling upon the ground, I remove my smile to prepare for the night and its beasts to tear me apart from inside, from my own mind. And I have no place to hide. And I have no one to save me. And I have no coat of arms to fight with. I surrender to the pain I cause myself. I surrender to the thought of no return. I wake up to find another day where the world prepares me for the daylong countdown until the beasts return and I surrender to my own pain. Why is there no cure for my own sanity? Why is there no way out of my dreams? Why is the darkness so dark? Why is the day not bright enough? Why am I causing myself all this pain?