Monthly Archives: December 2014

Holiday Season

It is once again time to end a year, finalize a circle only to start over again. Lucky are we who are able to dream, plan and wish for the new year to come. Many are those who can not do so. Regardless of family reunions being painful, filled with arguments, or lacking smiles around the dinner table because they are far away or never to come back, we should still remember how fortunate we are to see another day. We tend to forget the beauty of the sunshine, of daylight or the star-dust at night. We tend to forget the impact of smiles and the pain of words. We leave each other scattered abusing our thoughts and mouths, not spending a split of a second wondering about the consequences.

We think “I” before “we”, “us” or even “you”. Have we become this ignorant that there is no action made, or words said and no thoughts shared if there is no benefit for the “I”? Can we make a promise to someone, to anyone, and let our own self, step aside and walk hand in hand with “us”, and share gratefulness for its pure existence?

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I’m Done

I’m done. I am absolutely, without any doubt in my mind, hands down, no questions asked, done. Found myself in a dejavu position in my life, where I no longer intend to play the fools game. I simply cannot. Where the faces, the smiles, the places and the sounds all remind me of what once made me scream and run, now forced me back to face my fears and the pain. The feeling of being trapped in my own life has never been so spot-on as it is in this very moment, and the options for actions are close to none, as they would only solve the symptom but never the illness. 

Walking down the actual memory lane is not only uncomfortable but also crowded, as it all comes down to bringing me to the same conclusion. Does that mean that the action I made then, the choice or handling the situation was wrong, as I ended up in the same situation, in the same place, with the same thoughts and illness as before? Where does it go wrong when you end up on square one, only after trying your hardest to climb up the mountain believing that you almost reached the top, only to find that you kept walking around in a cricle, not even close to reaching the peak?

It is exhausting to know that the efforts being made were good for nothing, or somewhat close to the same. It is painful to be let down by the people who you believed wanted to be there for you, together with you, regardless of the weather forecast or the day of the week. It is not easy to face the same hurtful situation, more vulnerable than before, just to realilze that you were never close to actually solve your own equasion, only the illusion of it. 

We live and we learn. Nevertheless, we sometimes find ourselves in ridiculously similar situations and circumstances, time and time again, and it makes me wonder, where was the mistake made? Was it a mistake? Were we not to move forward, instead of finding ourselves in the same situation, although efforts were made to improve, change and move on? I try to find the reason, the conclusion or meaning in the pointless dilema of being back in the same place, with the same feelings, and wishing to be somewhere completely else. Perhaps this is simply life’s way of showing that you can never run away from your problems, and you have to face your fears. 

Perhaps, we all re-live life in one way or another. Where we have said it all, we have heard it all, nothing will really change, only our own mindset. Maybe it is all in the deepest of thoughts that we are able to move on with life. Unsure if this makes any sense, as the thoughts are spinning much faster than usually, I wonder if there is ever an answer to all the questions falling down on me, or if we are to enjoy the confusion and laugh as we cry?

When does it ever end? Will it dissapear with the last breath, or do we need to let go, in order to move on? 

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Key to a Closed Door

I see your face, and my face smiles. I know the reason. I know the feeling. I recognize it, I have felt it before. I missed it and at the same time I have avoided it on purpose, due to the pain it have caused in my past. Afraid of letting it enter my life, scared of letting it enter my heart, and you are the one who is opening that closed-door to let it in. I hope you open that door knowing what that means to me, and I can only hope it means just as much to you. I hope that you did not just try out any door that crossed your path, and play around with its key. Because that key goes to my door. Please, hand me back the key if you are to play with it. Better yet, use the key when you are ready to learn what is behind this door…

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