I’m done. I am absolutely, without any doubt in my mind, hands down, no questions asked, done. Found myself in a dejavu position in my life, where I no longer intend to play the fools game. I simply cannot. Where the faces, the smiles, the places and the sounds all remind me of what once made me scream and run, now forced me back to face my fears and the pain. The feeling of being trapped in my own life has never been so spot-on as it is in this very moment, and the options for actions are close to none, as they would only solve the symptom but never the illness.
Walking down the actual memory lane is not only uncomfortable but also crowded, as it all comes down to bringing me to the same conclusion. Does that mean that the action I made then, the choice or handling the situation was wrong, as I ended up in the same situation, in the same place, with the same thoughts and illness as before? Where does it go wrong when you end up on square one, only after trying your hardest to climb up the mountain believing that you almost reached the top, only to find that you kept walking around in a cricle, not even close to reaching the peak?
It is exhausting to know that the efforts being made were good for nothing, or somewhat close to the same. It is painful to be let down by the people who you believed wanted to be there for you, together with you, regardless of the weather forecast or the day of the week. It is not easy to face the same hurtful situation, more vulnerable than before, just to realilze that you were never close to actually solve your own equasion, only the illusion of it.
We live and we learn. Nevertheless, we sometimes find ourselves in ridiculously similar situations and circumstances, time and time again, and it makes me wonder, where was the mistake made? Was it a mistake? Were we not to move forward, instead of finding ourselves in the same situation, although efforts were made to improve, change and move on? I try to find the reason, the conclusion or meaning in the pointless dilema of being back in the same place, with the same feelings, and wishing to be somewhere completely else. Perhaps this is simply life’s way of showing that you can never run away from your problems, and you have to face your fears.
Perhaps, we all re-live life in one way or another. Where we have said it all, we have heard it all, nothing will really change, only our own mindset. Maybe it is all in the deepest of thoughts that we are able to move on with life. Unsure if this makes any sense, as the thoughts are spinning much faster than usually, I wonder if there is ever an answer to all the questions falling down on me, or if we are to enjoy the confusion and laugh as we cry?
When does it ever end? Will it dissapear with the last breath, or do we need to let go, in order to move on?