It’s a funny and yet weird feeling to be back in the city where it all started, some years ago. A tie when you were growing up, making plans, trying boundaries and breaking your own rules, only to find that the life you’ve created for yourself, is not at all what you wanted or wished for.
Let me give you a tour around my life so that you can follow me.
Four years ago, I was fed up with dating. I spent every day in the dance studio doing what I loved the most, dancing, and late at night, when I was too tired to go to bed, I would sit at my kitchen table and write my fingers off in a blog, which I set up only to prevent my head from exploding and save money from having to actually visit a shrink – this way seemed much cheaper and more efficient… kinda.
I graduated from university, and stumbled upon a homepage of a postgrad program that sounded like just what I was looking for, taking me abroad. A few weeks later, I was heading to Berlin, to start my next adventure. Little did I know, what was suppose to be five months, ended up being four years. For roller-coaster-love-hate-relationship-heartbroken-fulfilling-terrifying-wonderful-disappointing years in the German capital. At some point, after many months of being ignored by my own boss, a window opened, and I decided to sneak out through it, and try something else. This time, the adventure took me back to the city that I once left, being fed up with the limitations, the templates and boxes one should fit into in order to actually fit in. The fitting in part was never very suitable to me. I never really felt like a person who could do that. Arrogant to say, or more so, to write, but I somewhat always knew that I would stand out. Nothing about me is ordinary, not in an ordinary way. Perhaps that is also what my mother wishes for me choosing a name for me which in this part of the world, sticks to your mind just because it is so untypical and uncommon.
Anyway, coming back to the point, I ended up where I started and have never felt so out of place ever in my life before. As if I was some alien that just landed on a new planet, trying to fit in, when all I felt was that I needed to return home, however, my space ship which landed me here was long gone, and I spoke a language which no one understood.
The first two months in my new-old city made me feel sad, stressed and exhausted. Not only because of the long hours I chipping in at work, but all the social awkwardness that once was so natural to me, now felt like a game I no longer knew how to play, or even worse, wanted to take part of. The friends I made years back, and still was in touch with, now felt even more distant than when I was living abroad, as if suddenly living in the same city made it so much harder to stay in touch, or better yet, to meet up in person. The city here is not easy to live in. It’s a hard world out there, and with my expectations from life, and especially on my self, this was not going to be an easy journey to make. Needless to say, I soon found myself being in a hole so dark and so cold, I had no idea where to go, or what to do with myself.
In a certain way, I am still down in that hole. I am still clueless of what to do or where to go, one this internship ends – and it will. Sooner rather than later. And to be perfectly honest, at this point, I am welcoming this ending. Because, just as much as I was telling myself, that this would be right for me. I am now not so very sure any longer. In fact, sitting here with my computer in my lap, writing my fingers off, makes me happy. I am close to tears when writing this post, still uncertain if to post it online and share with you all, but the mere fact that I am vocalising my thoughts, my feelings, my fears and joys on paper again, is a physical relief to my body. As I’m writing this now, I cannot remember why I stopped doing this in the first case. Was I scared? Was I so afraid to make something more of my hobby and potentially fail? (I kinda know that the last question is a “spot on” but let’s save that for a later discussion).
Being in this moment, I am looking forward to start over. To make something new. And although once can claim, that every day you’re a blank page, and you have the power to change your life, every day. One has to believe it in order to live it. And in fact, that is what I want to do. I want to be able to change my life, in the direction of my dreams, and I want to be able to do so, every day. Whenever I want to. Yes, I am a dreamer. Yes, I know for a fact that life has its up’s and down’s, and I am perfectly aware that not all can be covered in rainbows and butterflies, but I still want to be able to believe that it can. That I can create the lifestyle that I want for myself, and find inner peace and harmony, and not ask myself “what am I doing here?” every second day of my life.
The best advice was given to me today; make decision that you believe can be right for a year or two, and then, make new decisions.
This was exactly what I needed to hear, in order to silence the power stations I have in my head, stressing me about every single vital question I am asking myself, every day, and every hour of the day.
I don’t believe that it is a coincidence, that I am back where I started, just four years later, only to ask myself the same questions, where to go? what to do? who am I? who do I wish to become?
Is it possible that I lack the ability to make a decision, or to focus, or even to stick to one identity or goal? I feel like I am still trying things life, trying life out, finding out what life could be like, and then – at some far away distant point of time – possibly finding a path or a little trail… perhaps, needing to create one myself, and be content with that direction. At this point, that seems very distant, yet, the more I think about it, the more I feel as if I need to go even further. As if I’ve been given a chance to “try again”, after my four years in Germany. Maybe I am not good at settling down, or sticking to one place or goal, and finding out that there is so much more to life than one path… maybe that is what I am suppose to do? Finding my place in this world, or better yet, creating it, is harder than I ever thought. I just really hope that it is worth all the pain that I am going through, because at times, it feels very much different than that.