Category Archives: Love

Prove Me

Will it prove me right, or will it prove me wrong? Love. The more I look around, the more I see couples, pairing up to be two, together, claiming their ‘forever’ to stay the way they are right now. I too wanted that once. Perhaps I still do, however, there is a rather large part of me that wants to be proven wrong. That there is no such thing as love, forever lasting or even true. A part of me wants to fall in love again, only to be left heartbroken, alone and crying. To prove to myself that this is what happens when you believe in words, when you follow your heart and trust in the happy ending. Truth is, that I am not certain what I want most, to be proven wrong, or right. To find that one smile that will keep smiling with me until I close my eyes for the very last time, or find out that we really are alone in this world, walking side by side, filling out life with the most or least meaningful thing we can afford or receive. Does it need to hurt in order to be real? Does it have an ending if it is true? Are we all seeking for love and affection? Understanding and intimacy? A feeling of belonging and purpose? Something we are not able to provide ourselves with?

Are we unfaithful to life when we give up the search for love? Are we cheating on love when we settle for something that it is not true in our heart? Is it right to not believe in it? In love. Is it a crime to wish it was not an option or possibility, only to make life easier? At what age or what stage does one accept that there will be no happy ending together with someone special? Perhaps the dark season is speaking, with the sound of the wind that blows all around, and we cannot find the sunshine to warm up our icecold hearts before the cold reaches our souls.

As for me, I keep being torn apart between wishing for it to come true, yet, avoiding it at all costs, only to find that it has no raison d’être in case it would find its way into my life. Until then, I keep filling my life with all those most or least meaningful things in life, sharing smiles with people that enter my life. So, will it prove me right, or will it prove me wrong?

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Key to a Closed Door

I see your face, and my face smiles. I know the reason. I know the feeling. I recognize it, I have felt it before. I missed it and at the same time I have avoided it on purpose, due to the pain it have caused in my past. Afraid of letting it enter my life, scared of letting it enter my heart, and you are the one who is opening that closed-door to let it in. I hope you open that door knowing what that means to me, and I can only hope it means just as much to you. I hope that you did not just try out any door that crossed your path, and play around with its key. Because that key goes to my door. Please, hand me back the key if you are to play with it. Better yet, use the key when you are ready to learn what is behind this door…

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I Push, You Pull

You keep telling me words of comfort, you hold my hand when I feel alone, and you stand next to me when I wish to jump, only to make me know that you’ll take the fall with me, together. We are not one and the same, I push and you pull. I give and you receive. I am yin and you are yang. You speak and I am mute. There is you, and there is me.

Are we good for one another? Do we ever know if one is? Is there a feeling that we are waiting for to follow, or makes us realize what is right and what is not? Is there a decision that needs to be made? Does it matter what day it is when the decision is made? Two life to share moments together, for how long? Who knows? Are you and I to decide, or are we to feel? Are we waiting until life takes one of us away? Are we even allowed to choose? Shall we reach for other highs, or focus for each other’s lows? When you are you, and I am me, can we move in the same direction without losing one another in ‘us’? Is the ‘I’ important enough, equally or less, to strive for ‘us’ to survive the questions we are surrounded with, by choice and by chance? Shall we settle before we are sure of the own will? Is the will ever sure of what we are ready for? I am me, and you are you. I push and you pull. Closer and harder. With different movements we wish for the same, yet we end up oceans apart.

Do you face the same fears? Do you see my tears? Scared to let you in, I do not want to let you go. I cannot tell what came first, or what will stand longest. My weakest point is you, and I wish it was me. I say what I think, but my heart speaks a language you won’t listen to. Confused by the thoughts, the feelings, the questions, and the fears, yet blinded by the tears, my body weakens to the ground. Scattered and broken, every time a little bit harder, a little bit deeper. The wind blows some thoughts away, and I search for your hand. Love me the most, when I deserve it the least. You see you, and I see me. Blinded by our own selfishness and needs, we end up oceans apart. Because I push, and you pull.

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You Were a Sign

Days pass us by, one sunrise after another, leaving the past behind without any chance of returning back. I do not know where you are these days. You no longer tell me about your thoughts, your feelings or how your days are… the simple answer to ‘why’, is that I am no longer a part of your life. You are no longer to be seen in my life either.
It pains me to know that we shared out every day, from sunrise to sunset, laughter and tears, and now I do not know what colour your toothbrush is anymore.

Sometimes life forces us travel on journeys we do not wish for. Adventures that are unexpected, maybe sometimes not even welcomed. It packs your bags and sets you off in the direction that it chooses. Life changes and so do we, with the same pace as people enter and exit life, we stretch our legs again and move on. Not because we want to, but because life goes on, and we must do the same.

I sometimes wish that you would show up on my doorstep, take all my pain and sorrow away, and I would hide in your arms again. I want this all to be a dream, a bad dream, and as I wake up you will still be there by my side.

I feel your presence, we share space but not time. Passing each other by in different moments, too far away to know that we actually are in the same place, just not in the same time… You are still close to me, although none of us is aware of it. Perhaps it is better this way. Perhaps the memory of you will fade away sooner than I wish for. Perhaps, this is your dream now.

My life will be light and bright again, I am certain of this part. No, you did not take my sunshine away, however there are clouds on my sky at this moment, and a little bit of rain every now and then. And although this creates the most beautiful rainbow in my life, I rather be with you.

As days pass us by, I know that you will soon just be another memory, another sign on my journey through life, yet I wished you would be a destination. A place where I could stay, be safe and feel that I belong. Instead you turned out to be a sign for me.
How did I know if I was ready to read you, I cannot tell. Perhaps you were written in a language I could not speak when we first met. By the time I learned your language you were gone, and left I stood with words I wanted to share with you. Proud to finally be able to read what the sign said, you turned around not to come back. The language I just learned to read and write was no longer of any usage… You were gone. You are still gone.

Days pass us by, sunrise after sunrise, and I now know you were just a sign on my path through life. Showing me the direction I was heading towards. One step further. One step closer.
However, I wish you would turn out ti be my destination.

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Haunting Me

I still hear your voice. I still feel your touch. The scent of your body is so fresh in my mind as if you were there, right by my side. As I walk through life I can sense you walking next to me, yet, as I look to my side, you are not there. In fact, you are walking in some other direction. Truth is, you are not even on the same path as I am. Indeed, you are not even intending to make a turn and walk by my side again.

I pass by the places where we were happy. Where we were two, together. They make me shiver and I fight not to break. I know you are close, just around the corner is where you are. However, you wish not to be found. You are instead haunting me with our past. Where we loved and laughed. Moments where we lived and shared lights in the darkness. The times when I was your first and last wish.

My heart is now empty and I am left scared. Frightened to move, haunted by the memories. Our memories. Moments I want to forget, while at the same time wishing they would come back. It all feels like the time we had together were splits of seconds in a lifetime. Seconds of love. That was all we had. That was all we were given. Now that is all I am left with. The haunting memory of the seconds we shared, making me scream, shiver, making me cry. But what for? You are no longer walking by my side to give me comfort. Your arms are no longer my castle and I must walk side by side to the memory of you. Still hearing your voice. Still feeling your touch. The scent of your body still so fresh in my mind. Haunting me.

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It Hurts

It hurts to let you go. As a bird who wishes nothing more than to fly away, you left. Without any wish of returning nor looking back, I watch your shadow blur away… you never had any intention to stay. We are far away and left I stand. Wishing you would acknowledge the pain that is my company without you by my side.

Never did I imagine that it would be this easy. A simple word and all was changed. No matter what was, no longer is, and will not ever return. Gone. Over. And I am uncertain what hurts me most, missing you or knowing that the moment will not return.

I got confused, and I had mistaken everything for nothing. It pains me to know, and the truth is too close. I wish not to hear, nor see or feel. The truth came much too fast, much too soon, unwanted and opened my eyes. Now they tear. 

Beaten but not broken, this too shall pass. The road of happiness is a choice, often mistaken to be guided by someone else than I. Hoping to share the joy of Life. It is pure pain when you choose not to share it with me. Acceptance is the first step in mind for letting go. Not by choice but by force, because it hurts to let you go.

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Don’t be afraid

One thing I have learned by the years is to always stay true to myself, and to listen and trust what my heart tells me. In private relations with other people, I follow my heart and not a rational mind. It feels better. And it turns out to be for the best as well.

You see, I figure that if you follow your feelings, what you believe and trust, then at the end of your day you can at least be sure that one person is content, and that person is YOU!
How ever much you wish to please other people, (Go ahead, and do so!) but if you don’t really know what they want (or better yet, if they don’t know themselves what they want) there’s a slight chance that no one will be satisfied by the end of your day. I suppose that we are all in charge of our own happiness in life.

I’m not saying that I don’t have doubts. (Lord knows I do). But just as much as I doubt, I put faith into life, that it will turn out for the best regardless of how it actually will turn out. So, once every blue moon I reach out for this quote to get my mind and thoughts in order, and to get back on track.

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make”.

This simple line has helped me during several difficult moments in life. When I was scared, frightened, unsure and simply afraid of the decision I was about to make, figuring, I could either stare at the issue or problem, hoping that it would go away, or I could actually do something. Take action for my own happiness, for my own life.
I’ve done a couple of those decisions recently, and even though I’m still not sure what the final outcome of that will be, at least I followed my heart. And truthfully speaking, is that not what it’s really about? To follow your own heart? In every aspect really.

Not sure how you feel about trusting your intuition or heart, but I do trust mine. I made a decision that I am going to trust my self, my own opinion and my own feelings. After all, why would I want anything else but my own best? Sure, if it doesn’t work out, I will simply have to make a new decision. But always following ones heart is a good rule of thumb.

As for the quote above, I really do believe that it is the way life goes. We do not regret the chances we took, but the ones that we let go and didn’t take. We regret all the moments of happiness we could create with another person because we were afraid and scared to take that next step together. And finally, we regret taking too much time thinking back and forth regarding a decision that should have been taken much earlier. We regret that time was spent on thinking instead of doing.

Reading this quote every now and then, when needed, reminds me of how I want to live my life. What I wish and don’t wish to regret in life. Maybe it is impossible to live a life without any regrets, or maybe it is simply a choice.

Regardless of how life turns out, sometime we need a little bit of encouragement in order to move, in one direction or another. Just like riding a bike, you need to actually move in some, any, direction, to make it work.

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