I see your face, and my face smiles. I know the reason. I know the feeling. I recognize it, I have felt it before. I missed it and at the same time I have avoided it on purpose, due to the pain it have caused in my past. Afraid of letting it enter my life, scared of letting it enter my heart, and you are the one who is opening that closed-door to let it in. I hope you open that door knowing what that means to me, and I can only hope it means just as much to you. I hope that you did not just try out any door that crossed your path, and play around with its key. Because that key goes to my door. Please, hand me back the key if you are to play with it. Better yet, use the key when you are ready to learn what is behind this door…
I smile for you.
I smile for your fears, I smile for your tears,
I smile for your pain, I smile when no one is around to hold your hand.
I smile for the darkness in your heart, and I smile when you are far from home and land,
I smile when you get lost, I smile for your diseases,
I smile for your old and shaky hand, I smile for your angry mood.
I smile for your love that is not returned, I smile when you lose all your posessions.
I smile when you fall down, and I smile when you lay on the ground.
I smile for the sickness covering the world, and I smile for the crises we are flooded by,
I smile for the horror and terror around you, I smile for the cold wind embracing your shivering body.
I smile for the dirt and dust you live in, I smile for the unbearable heat that suffocates your breath,
I smile for all the nightmares that haunts you, I smile for the dark dreams that scare you in daylight.
I smile for the waves washing your life away, and I smile for the dying animals.
I smile for the pain you cause to others, I smile for your forgotten brothers.
I smile for your sister’s dream that she gave up on, I smile for the lost of your parents youth.
I smile for your last breath, and I smile for the sunrise on the day that you are gone.
…I smile for you to not lose hope, I smile for you to not lose faith.
I smile for you to believe, and I smile for you to love.
I smile for you to think, that there is still light in this world.
I smile to give you strength, and I smile because you matter.
I smile to take away your pain, I smile to take away your fears.
I smile when I hold your old and shaky hand, and I smile when you don’t smile for me.
I smile in the darkest of nights, when the rain falls down, I scream silently in pain and feel my heart breaking, for all the reasons that I smile.
Our eyes meet and for a small second the noise goes silent and I feel the warmth of your look. Unprepared for that familiar feeling, I look away only to disguise my joy that blossoms in a smile. Nothing and everything happened for a split second. Pain is gone, and a dream is born. I turn back to search for your look, which already went missing. The noise returns and all goes back to what it was before. For a split second, when our eyes met, I believe our souls reached out to ask for a dance, yet, the human body was much to blind to realize the magic of that moment, to stop and let the music play. Instead we rushed to the next destination, to where we believe that we must be heading to, only to understand, much too late, that we just missed out.
Much too often, we do not recognize a magical moment until it has passed. We keep being distracted by everything and nothing, that we miss the essentials of life. The colors, the smells, the laughs, the touch, the love and all the magic we are surrounded with, yet blind towards. We are deaf for music of the soul and we are blind for the palette of colors that life is painted with.
We forget the names of friends from the past, we fail to recognize the faces of past loved ones, and we regret what once used to make us smile. We don’t cherish those small moments of magic that bring the sunshine into our life. With every day, we are one day short. We lose time for money, we exchange love for views, we forget and ask to forgive. We end up alone, because we miss those moments, as we rush through life and forgetting to listen to the soul, asking for a dance, a tune to be shared with others. We miss it all. We rush. We are mute and blind. When did we go so wrong? Will our eyes ever meet again in a moment like that? Can it take away my pain and begin that dream again? Can I believe in magic? Did my soul not come back after I turned down that last dance? Did I miss my last moment of magic?
…Of feeling numb like this, one day to another? You keep breaking down, waiting for someone to carry you up. What is the point of hating your job, smile to your foe, and eat food that makes you throw up? What is the point to stay in the dark corner, when the light is long gone? What is the point of feeling too much and nothing at all at the same time? What is the point of making sense to the gray and cold stone? Where to go and hide, when your mind is the source of your own tragedy? How to take care of your body that keeps lying to you? When to jump when time stands still? How to swim in the dry ocean? Getting drunk with your own tears falling down your chin, lying on the ground that spins backwards only to stop exactly at the same spot where you started. Are you heading the wrong way? Does your eyes recognize blue from black? Can you hear a bird sing when you scream louder? What is the point of waking up to another day of feeling numb? What is the point of not being able to share joy, but keeping it for yourself? Did you ever try to make a point of life, thinking it was all a lie? Did you ever see the clouds under your own feet? Don’t you wish you could fly away? Far, far away where your memories, your numb body and your dark mind would never reach you, and the darkness isn’t welcome? Are you feeling too little, or too much? Can you tell the difference between life and a lie? Are you feeling any better knowing you are heading in the wrong direction? Can you make your mind stop thinking? Can you make your body stop screaming from pain? What is the point to wake up to another day when the tears are falling down to drown you? What is the point of feeling everything and nothing? What is the point of craving more or nothing? What is the point of choosing between a life and a lie? Where to go when you are surrounded by darkness? What is the point of trying harder to smile, only to cover up for the tears falling down? What is the point of this numbness? What is the point of another day?
You keep telling me words of comfort, you hold my hand when I feel alone, and you stand next to me when I wish to jump, only to make me know that you’ll take the fall with me, together. We are not one and the same, I push and you pull. I give and you receive. I am yin and you are yang. You speak and I am mute. There is you, and there is me.
Are we good for one another? Do we ever know if one is? Is there a feeling that we are waiting for to follow, or makes us realize what is right and what is not? Is there a decision that needs to be made? Does it matter what day it is when the decision is made? Two life to share moments together, for how long? Who knows? Are you and I to decide, or are we to feel? Are we waiting until life takes one of us away? Are we even allowed to choose? Shall we reach for other highs, or focus for each other’s lows? When you are you, and I am me, can we move in the same direction without losing one another in ‘us’? Is the ‘I’ important enough, equally or less, to strive for ‘us’ to survive the questions we are surrounded with, by choice and by chance? Shall we settle before we are sure of the own will? Is the will ever sure of what we are ready for? I am me, and you are you. I push and you pull. Closer and harder. With different movements we wish for the same, yet we end up oceans apart.
Do you face the same fears? Do you see my tears? Scared to let you in, I do not want to let you go. I cannot tell what came first, or what will stand longest. My weakest point is you, and I wish it was me. I say what I think, but my heart speaks a language you won’t listen to. Confused by the thoughts, the feelings, the questions, and the fears, yet blinded by the tears, my body weakens to the ground. Scattered and broken, every time a little bit harder, a little bit deeper. The wind blows some thoughts away, and I search for your hand. Love me the most, when I deserve it the least. You see you, and I see me. Blinded by our own selfishness and needs, we end up oceans apart. Because I push, and you pull.
Why can I not rest with an open mind? How come my heart is full of fear? What is the reason for my never-ending torture to cause so much pain inside? The heart beats heavily inside my chest and no words can calm it down to dance to the rhythm of the ocean, as it once did when the sun was still shining, or the stars were bright lightening up the path of my journey. Where are those calming words now? Where is the sence of balance, when every moment is long gone before it even started? What happened to timeless laughs and butterflies surrounding dancing feet? Where are the times where a memory was created to stay, forever in your heart to bring you up when the nightmares came close?
I find myself fighting nightmares. Running away from darkness, yet, it always wins and brings me to fear for my life. Although a dream, so real and so harsh. I wake up crying and screaming, with dry eyes and a mute voice… Only to pretend that life is back to good. Pretending that times are colorful and loving, when in fact my heart and mind tells me something else. A fake smile to wear all day and the accoutretment is complete. Once returning to my safe haven, I break down to cry for all the pain in the world, for all the pain that is caused, and the one I bring upon myself. Where I know the nightmares will come upon me again, when the night takes the daylight away. I go to sleep knowing that another fight is awaiting me. A fight I cannot win, ever.
Another day passes by. As I see the darkness falling upon the ground, I remove my smile to prepare for the night and its beasts to tear me apart from inside, from my own mind. And I have no place to hide. And I have no one to save me. And I have no coat of arms to fight with. I surrender to the pain I cause myself. I surrender to the thought of no return. I wake up to find another day where the world prepares me for the daylong countdown until the beasts return and I surrender to my own pain. Why is there no cure for my own sanity? Why is there no way out of my dreams? Why is the darkness so dark? Why is the day not bright enough? Why am I causing myself all this pain?
You wake up to wish it is all just a dream. Just a bad dream, which you will soon wake up from. Closing eyes again to fall asleep, to leave the place called life where the emptyness is taking over, and feelings of being indifferent are present. How did you end up in this heavy place where the sunshine is lost, and birds never sing?
Can you say a word to define beauty, and tinge the dark walls surrounding your lifeless body from falling down to the ground, only to be covered in dust? Where is the joy of being alive? Was the dream not long enough to leave trace to remember it by? Was it the dream or life which made you come to this point of no return? Would you have known the difference of dreaming and living the dream? is it in fact a state of mind where feelings are eaten up and hopes are left by the gate when you are being pushed through?
Have you thought about ending the dream? Would it bring you back to life, or would ending the life make you dream all over again? Should you learn to challenge where you are right now? How would you go from dream to life, when wishing for none to excist? Why can’t you wake up from life, and live the dream with your eyes wide closed?