Will it prove me right, or will it prove me wrong? Love. The more I look around, the more I see couples, pairing up to be two, together, claiming their ‘forever’ to stay the way they are right now. I too wanted that once. Perhaps I still do, however, there is a rather large part of me that wants to be proven wrong. That there is no such thing as love, forever lasting or even true. A part of me wants to fall in love again, only to be left heartbroken, alone and crying. To prove to myself that this is what happens when you believe in words, when you follow your heart and trust in the happy ending. Truth is, that I am not certain what I want most, to be proven wrong, or right. To find that one smile that will keep smiling with me until I close my eyes for the very last time, or find out that we really are alone in this world, walking side by side, filling out life with the most or least meaningful thing we can afford or receive. Does it need to hurt in order to be real? Does it have an ending if it is true? Are we all seeking for love and affection? Understanding and intimacy? A feeling of belonging and purpose? Something we are not able to provide ourselves with?
Are we unfaithful to life when we give up the search for love? Are we cheating on love when we settle for something that it is not true in our heart? Is it right to not believe in it? In love. Is it a crime to wish it was not an option or possibility, only to make life easier? At what age or what stage does one accept that there will be no happy ending together with someone special? Perhaps the dark season is speaking, with the sound of the wind that blows all around, and we cannot find the sunshine to warm up our icecold hearts before the cold reaches our souls.
As for me, I keep being torn apart between wishing for it to come true, yet, avoiding it at all costs, only to find that it has no raison d’être in case it would find its way into my life. Until then, I keep filling my life with all those most or least meaningful things in life, sharing smiles with people that enter my life. So, will it prove me right, or will it prove me wrong?
Our eyes meet and for a small second the noise goes silent and I feel the warmth of your look. Unprepared for that familiar feeling, I look away only to disguise my joy that blossoms in a smile. Nothing and everything happened for a split second. Pain is gone, and a dream is born. I turn back to search for your look, which already went missing. The noise returns and all goes back to what it was before. For a split second, when our eyes met, I believe our souls reached out to ask for a dance, yet, the human body was much to blind to realize the magic of that moment, to stop and let the music play. Instead we rushed to the next destination, to where we believe that we must be heading to, only to understand, much too late, that we just missed out.
Much too often, we do not recognize a magical moment until it has passed. We keep being distracted by everything and nothing, that we miss the essentials of life. The colors, the smells, the laughs, the touch, the love and all the magic we are surrounded with, yet blind towards. We are deaf for music of the soul and we are blind for the palette of colors that life is painted with.
We forget the names of friends from the past, we fail to recognize the faces of past loved ones, and we regret what once used to make us smile. We don’t cherish those small moments of magic that bring the sunshine into our life. With every day, we are one day short. We lose time for money, we exchange love for views, we forget and ask to forgive. We end up alone, because we miss those moments, as we rush through life and forgetting to listen to the soul, asking for a dance, a tune to be shared with others. We miss it all. We rush. We are mute and blind. When did we go so wrong? Will our eyes ever meet again in a moment like that? Can it take away my pain and begin that dream again? Can I believe in magic? Did my soul not come back after I turned down that last dance? Did I miss my last moment of magic?
…Of feeling numb like this, one day to another? You keep breaking down, waiting for someone to carry you up. What is the point of hating your job, smile to your foe, and eat food that makes you throw up? What is the point to stay in the dark corner, when the light is long gone? What is the point of feeling too much and nothing at all at the same time? What is the point of making sense to the gray and cold stone? Where to go and hide, when your mind is the source of your own tragedy? How to take care of your body that keeps lying to you? When to jump when time stands still? How to swim in the dry ocean? Getting drunk with your own tears falling down your chin, lying on the ground that spins backwards only to stop exactly at the same spot where you started. Are you heading the wrong way? Does your eyes recognize blue from black? Can you hear a bird sing when you scream louder? What is the point of waking up to another day of feeling numb? What is the point of not being able to share joy, but keeping it for yourself? Did you ever try to make a point of life, thinking it was all a lie? Did you ever see the clouds under your own feet? Don’t you wish you could fly away? Far, far away where your memories, your numb body and your dark mind would never reach you, and the darkness isn’t welcome? Are you feeling too little, or too much? Can you tell the difference between life and a lie? Are you feeling any better knowing you are heading in the wrong direction? Can you make your mind stop thinking? Can you make your body stop screaming from pain? What is the point to wake up to another day when the tears are falling down to drown you? What is the point of feeling everything and nothing? What is the point of craving more or nothing? What is the point of choosing between a life and a lie? Where to go when you are surrounded by darkness? What is the point of trying harder to smile, only to cover up for the tears falling down? What is the point of this numbness? What is the point of another day?